....'WHY AM I ALWAYS IN YOUR SHADOW EH?'....
...It is the road less travelled. This journey of honesty and courage. Where I/you stop running and stay still, and examine who we really are, and perhaps explore ways of changing because the pain may have got
The Road Less Travelled; you will know it, I am sure, is still in the New York Times best selling list, and has been for years. It was the first book I read that explained how
trying to avoid pain leads to more, further down the line.
If you're having a bad day, you've probably headed off to You Tube...fair enough. But, who knows, you may be on this path yourself.
My mother's death is still painful. Of course it is, It's called grief. Yesterday after work I stumbled into a John Lewis (the old name was Heelas) we used to visit as kids. My school proclaimed
that a certain type of pants MUST be worn. They were like carpet. Hoover them clean, and they would have been fine. Sensible school shoes, and the smell of new leather; I can remember that too. I argued with her;' I HATE them'.
Facing myself (not naval gazing as so many would have us believe - that's their problem) is hard. It has been hard, and will continue to be tough I am sure. But once you start, it's difficult to stop. I can't be bothered
not to 'do the work'. Facing my shadows, some of them murderous, (that's why I like the Sopranos - it's full of darkness), has frankly, saved my life.
I am tired of my old ways of 'doing' relationships. Picking
a person (unconsciously most of the time) because I am trying heal childhood wounds that have yet to be dealt with; has become too predictable and too painful. At least I know this now.
hard part? I am authentic and honest, most of the time, and if I inadvertantly touch another's unresolved pain, you can bet I am in for a shed load of blaming and shaming from their side of the street. It seems the more honest I am, the more hassle life
can become. Or perhaps it means the people who really care stick around, and those who don't are not worth knowing anyway.
But what's the point of any relationship with a friend and/or lover
if it doesn't nurture us, and love us into a wiser and deeper space. Draining and selfish people (I am sure I can be both sometimes), who dismiss swathes of the population; who are rigid, controlling and angry, are not worth the effort. Suggest that they might
choose to look inwards, and you're ridiculed for your insight.
Who needs that kind of abuse? As I have experienced, life IS too short, pleasing other people and diminishing our/my soul isn't
freedom, it's incarceration. Colluding with other people's shadows, drags me into their darkness; I become an actor in their dysfunctional melodrama, and I didn't even audition for the part.
out of prison may prompt excrutiating pain, as old beliefs and old behaviours crumble. Then who are you? Who am I? Who are WE in relation to each other? For me, this is a more truthful way of living. More joyful (yes, really), and more loving. I
want to live this way, because, ultimately it costs me less, stops me getting sick, helps me love others properly, and nudges me towards letting go of things that no longer nourish.
I don't get
it 'right'. That's another shadow. Who said life was about getting things right? Let's find another stick to beat ourselves and others; why don't we.
As I cry for my mother, and all that she meant;
as well as all that she faced as a war time child, I realise, in many ways, I am crying for for myself. I don't think it is selfish, it is essential. I am part of her, and she is part of me, shadow n' all. And that, I can now celebrate.