....a healthy flame flickers deep within all of us...
...I don't know what it's like being a mum. I would love a child now; but the midlife body clock has stopped ticking. A good friend and her 3 month old baby came to visit today; complete with push chair, wipes,
'blankies', warm socks, woolly jumpers and toys. So, just a few bits and pieces.
As she fed her little boy, the connection
between them was soothing for all of us. Mum can clearly love, because she was loved. This is not a universal experience; often through NO fault of the mother and/or father. There is enough pressure on mums as it is without me adding to it.
This is merely an observation from my own growing awareness. If the baby's brain is malleable in the first two years, and there a significant break in that attachment; '(Why Love Matters' by Sue Gerhart, explores
this); research suggests that the brain can literally be re-wired; with a propensity for anxiety and depression in later life.
Who can give what they haven't been given?
I am no scientist; but as I grapple with the 'lack of' from my own childhood; my own mother's babyhood was deeply traumatic, her twin and mother died in her early childhood,then she was adopted and was a wartime evacuee. Long
term attachment for her would have been a foreign experience. So her life was amazing, considering the start. She did all she could to raise us well. But no-one can give what they have not been given.
Searching for Mum/Dad as a grown up.
Then the child, and later the grown up can embark on a painful search for attachment healing; perhaps looking in the wrong faces and
places. This is not always the outcome; and it CAN be healed without the acting out that can cause such pain. Instead of anaesthetizing the emptiness, or trying to cover that small sense of self with compulsive coping behaviour: addictions, non-nurturing relationships,
workaholism; and wearing a mask and feeling like an imposter; perhaps there is another way? Sitting with the emptiness, with others who can support us, and perhaps a spiritual input too, can make a difference.
Long Haul Travel
This is a long haul. An old self has to die, so that the new can emerge. This is simply a theory, and in no way definitive. I don't know if I am 'right' ( I really don't
care about that): I know that experiencing the yearning, even when you want to grab a quick fix, and stumbling into what can feel like a brutal darkness, has to be done to become more whole.
rather than a dodgy Lover
And if you want to sleep with a kid's toy (rather than head into an uhealthy relationship to avoid the lonliness); then I think that's fine. Lego's not great though; the
blocks leave marks on your face.